Exploring Protective Parts of Self
Over the last few days, I have been reminded of the ways that certain words, situations and scenarios can loop us back in time, so that old self-protective parts of ourselves can rear up, to guard us against perceived threat. As Internal Family Systems theory states, these parts of us are not bad, they are simply trying to look after us. However, they may be stuck in a younger time, and be reacting to a danger which has long since passed, but which our bodies have been reminded of through a happening which may seem utterly innocuous to others.
This protective part may present as intrusive thoughts, feelings, sensations or behaviours. It can be felt through our nervous system response, as we react like other mammals, metaphorical teeth and claws bared or escape route planned, in the active 'fight' or 'flight' responses. Or perhaps through the more ancient, reptilian default of giving up, the numbing and defeat of 'freeze or 'flop'. Or in the uniquely human response of 'appease' - where we use our skills around communication and community-building to neutralize the perceived threat, desperately pleasing and repairing with the other person, but losing ourselves in the process.
As these protective parts try to shield us from current or future pain, often informed by distress felt in our pasts, this may feel so familiar that we simply accept these behaviours as who we are.
Instead of submitting entirely to the desperate responses of these aspects of myself, I try to notice when they are felt, give myself time and space to settle back into a place of safety, and then bring curiosity as I try to get to know them a little...perhaps through journaling, creativity, movement or speaking with a therapist or other trusted person.
I explore, openly and without judgement, what was the part scared of in that moment? What was it protecting? Was the threat something that was real and present, or simply a shadow from the past or imaginary ghoul in the future? What did the part need that I could have offered it? Was it's response helpful or harmful to me and my relationships? What other ways can I try to create safety in those moments, that might reflect who I am now, and the connections and spaces in my life, more lovingly and expansively?
I try to remember than none of these parts of myself want to cause harm, they simply need me to show them that I can now be trusted to care for, protect and advocate for myself, from a place of choice and intention, as opposed to fear and habit.